Category Archives: Uncategorized
First off…Carina Press said ‘no’ to “The Heart” of War” this morning. I got the standard bullshit. I didn’t even open their email until 3 hours after I saw it in my box cuz gmail lets me see the first few words which were “Thank you”.
If YOU see ‘thank you’….you’re fucked. It’s over. Don’t even bother opening it. It’s a rejection. That goes for anything; book submission, resume submission, college submission…anything.
Yeah, this is where being more like my “Father” than my “Mother” comes in really handy.
Before I leave the subject of “Father”…I was treated to the longest, loveliest, most incredibly sensual version of
It just kept going and going and going sort like
Nothing else. Just a long, deep, wonderful, and quite lovely darkness. That’s it. Just Mark Knopfler’s voice. That’s it. All night. It was….wonderful…actually.
Let’s get to the meat of this particular entry….shall we?
It’s no secret that I’ve felt fatter than a whale and complete utterly mind-shatteringly unattractive this last year or more. It’s also no secret that I’m a lazy bitch. I would rather write than else in the entire world.
So yesterday I started with my Wii again. That thing really is incredibly FUN! It IS! I’m just fuckin’ lazy that’s all. Believe me that is something I did not want to admit to! I’ve never been an exercise freak or anything…Gym…I nearly failed it in high school. That’s mostly because of the ‘politics’ involved in Gym Class. It is a degrading nasty thing. It is. I’ve never been overly coordinated or my version of ‘beautiful’ although hubby keeps reminding me that I was so hot…
(How hot were you?)
I was SOOOOO HOT that nearly ALL of my hubby’s friends took a stab at fucking me. Wooing me. Wanting me and making it known.
That’s true. They did. They tried. Most failed.
Yes, I said ‘most’. Deal with it as you remember we are approaching our 28th Wedding Anniversary.
Any-hoo…after thinking myself outrageously fat, totally gross, and most unsexy, all this time…and believing that’s why my Lover of All Lovers (The Big Guy) abandoned me for some young hot chickie….I found it wasn’t true.
I’ve never named “the other author” and I never will but I’ve given you enough clues to find her if you’re of a mind to do so.
Today…I actually went and checked her out even though we are no longer ‘friends’ on Facebook.
She ain’t no skinny-minnie. In fact, she’s on the BBW side of life which I don’t believe, in my heart of hearts, The Big Guy finds ‘sexy’ in the slightest. I know…I know…I’ve repeatedly said within the stories that Alena–with her willowy frame– isn’t his type. He likes a ‘stouter’ woman. But I was just being kind. Honestly. I was just being nice to the, possibly, larger ladies in my reading audience. Mostly, I was referring more to a Lucy Lawless type of female body when she was ‘Xena’, which no one in their right mind would call ‘skinny’.
Or at least not an American Male…how’s that?
The “other author” can’t get a leg into my jeans.
(Does that make you happy, Moonie?)
Why, yes, yes, it does. Sorry if that’s vain or whatever. I beg your forgiveness on that one.
Wii still stays I’m ‘overweight’ and the ‘new’ slacks/jeans/pants I bought last time around are getting snug.
I am totally unhappy. I’m ready to just…well…
….Have a Cow, Man!
I can’t take it anymore.
If if The Big Guy really DOES like a ‘stouter’ woman…I can’t be it and still feel sexy. I can’t do it. Sorry. I was a size 3 for far too long. This size 10 going on 12 thing is REALLY going UP MY ASS SIDEWAYS!
SO…I bought a brand new herbal regimen while at Stop & Shop this morning. No, it doesn’t include any gimmicky products. I went back to MY roots of herbalism and paganism.
I will use that along with my Wii AND along with the….
I just bought…or WILL BE BUYING this evening. It was $400 on CraigsList but I got the seller down to $300 since it isn’t very ‘high tech’ or anything like that.
I bought because hubby brought the subject up last night. He said he’d noticed I hadn’t been very ‘happy’ lately and that he ‘didn’t care how I looked’ but it was obvious that I did. So we looked online last night after a nice evening at The Bulkeley House, we went for dinner and Live Entertainment. See? I AM trying to Act Locally lately. No more Olive Garden, Outback, or Longhorn Steakhouse. Each of which was really lousy the last time we went anyway.
I sort of ‘forced’ myself to use the Wii yesterday. I don’t know why. I really do like the tennis game and according to Wii, I am a ‘tennis pro’…LOL. Yes, I’m still very much ‘off balanced’ too! hahahahah
But getting the desire, the will, the strength, together to ‘work out’ is more difficult than it should be. Weird. Especially once you consider than when I do start I don’t want to stop. But the voice in my head that says ‘you’re a fat bitch now’ or ‘you’re too old to be sexy’ wins out more often than not.
As ‘Vivian’ once said; The Bad Stuff is Easier to Believe.
I look in the mirror…infrequently…but I did it today. I’m not HUGE. I’m not incredibly fat. Yet still, I’m not skinny.
You’re not 18 anymore or 25 or 30 or even 40.
That hurts. Do you know that?
I know He means it as a compliment. As a balm. Still it hurts far more than it soothes. I am a Child of the 70s and 80s. FAT was so NOT an option. We were ALL either Anorexic or Bulimic! End of Story. Personally, I was Anorexic.
I want to stay my version of sexy. I don’t want to be heifer like that “other author”. I want to keep actually DOING the things I write about and not merely fantasizing about them.
So later today I will bring home my new elliptical machine. We’ll put it in the budding ‘work out’/Xbox room and I’ll try again.
If I could just get down to a size 6 again…well…I know it’s vain…but I might actually WANT to write again. I might actually FEEL sexy/desirable again rather than trying to be comfortable with what I’ve become lie that “other author”.
Ya know..if he wasn’t a God…he’d never take her over me. Even now at my more advanced size of 10.
She’s FAT…ok? There I said it! I did! She’s a LARDASS!
Me? I couldn’t stand to turn into her. I couldn’t. I’m sorry if that offends you but I just couldn’t do it.
I’m going to bring home my new elliptical machine, get a new TV for the ‘spare room’, hook up my Wii to it, take my Ginseng with Royal Jelly, Acidophiles, and my Pepcid AC (good lord don’t forget that stuff! It’s AWESOME! It has more benefits than just acid reduction, yes it does. ) I’m going to keep working my ass off until I’m back to a 4-6. Until I feel sexy and healthy again.
That’s my goal. Not “eternal youth”. No. I have many gray hairs on my head and a bit lower. I have laugh lines and all out wrinkles. I wouldn’t trade them for anything but I would trade this tiny ‘spare tire’ to feel like a true vixen again.
If that offends you…sue me.
…At The Old Ball Game.
The Big Guy is currently precariously balanced on his third strike.
I believe that darn near everyone deserves a Second Chance so I gave him that not all that long ago and watched him take some other writer to ‘the top’ while I floundered.
He’s done it again.
I KNEW that was what was going on. I KNEW IT. I did. I knew that was why I couldn’t feel him anywhere around me nor hear him whisper in my ear these past long months. I ignored it, as I did before. I put the blame on me, as I did before. I figured I lost my touch. It was all my fault. Cuz ya know I’m a hack and a wanna-be and All That Jazz.
Last week I received irrefutable confirmation that the Big Bastard was steppin’ out on me again. Undoubtedly that’s the main reason that less-than-adequate publishing contract fell into my lap. His way of trying to make amends of easing the blow he knew was going to get his fat head bit off.
Another way he tried to make amends before I found out was to come back and start whispering in my ear again. We started writing again. I was enjoying it.
Now. Not so much.
He’s officially on notice that he’s officially on hold and can look forward to a long slow painful death in “Kingdoms of War” should I ever chose to finish it. I think I’ll let Alena do him in. What do you think? Perhaps, after she’s saved his life for the umpteenth time, she’ll have an affair and leave him. How’s that? Of course he’ll be his typical asshole self and try to hold on to her, at which point, she’ll simply unload and blow him away.
If you’re thinking about throwing a fireball up my ass over it, sweetheart, I have a metal bat and I’m pretty good with it. So pitch well cuz it’ll be zoomin’ back at your fat head in no time.
I’m tired of hearing about ‘flings’ and how he ‘always comes home’ to me….’always’.
You’re making me puke with that crap! Go sell it somewhere else, brother. There ain’t no takers here anymore.
I’m going to rest a bit and see what other Muse comes to visit me. Hopefully one that can be faithful at least long enough to finish the project.
If nothing else, you have readers and they’re waiting. Why hold what I did against them?
Valid point. Ok. You die from Major Falls and in an incredible twist of Fate, Alena falls in love with Apollo. The End.
Have a nice eternity…asshole.
I’ve stayed away from the subject of Arizona until now. Congrats to the governor who proved she could actually get something…anything…right and vetoed the latest big of legislation that would have, in a very round-about, sneaky, and underhanded manner, made it “ok” to discriminate against any member of the General Population who walked into your store front so long as you could find a ‘religious reason’ to be a dick to them.
When I first heard about this the only thing I could think was; Arizona was a state in the 1960s…right? They didn’t miss the Civil Rights Movement, did they? You know that whole nasty upheaval where people marched in the street, were hung from trees, protested, burned crosses, fought, killed, died, and sometime just plain old disappeared in the name of Freedom. It wasn’t in a foreign country. It was right here in the Good Ol’ USA. At the end we, as a country, decided it wasn’t ok. We did appreciate discrimination and we would not tolerate it. We decided it didn’t matter what color your skin was just so long as the money in your pocket was green you could sit at the lunch counter or in the front of the bus or get a drink from a water fountain or walk down the street in broad daylight without fear. These were things all human beings deserved and should not be denied to them based on Race, Creed, Color or Religion.
Yeah, I know, we forgot to add ‘sexual orientation’ to that list when it was originally written. Sue us. We forgot to add a bunch of stuff to the US Constitution too which is why it has been amended so many times since it was originally written. The point is, when we realize our error we try to correct it going forward.
Contrary to misguided belief, the United States is NOT a “Christian Nation” and we never were and we never will be. Grab a history book and research the religious backgrounds of the Founding Fathers. You may be shocked to discover just how many Univerisalists there were among other religions, non-religions, and sects. The Founding Fathers understood the importance of religion but also understood the divisive nature of it which is why we do not now have nor will we ever have a Government Sanctioned Religion. You and me and John Q., we’re all free to worship as we choose.
Not to discriminate. Not to push their religious desires and beliefs off on everyone else.
We worship in houses designed to do so, among our own groups, and in our own homes. Government doesn’t tell those places they must allow everyone to be a member. The Court of Public Opinion might dictate differently but that’s separate from the Government.
Outside the stage of worship, out here in the Business World and indeed in the Real World, the only things that matter in a business transaction are:
The seller’s ability to deliver quality goods/services
The buyer’s ability to pay
When you open a business to the Public that means EVERYBODY. If you can’t handle EVERYBODY then go work for someone else in some other profession in which you do not have to deal with John Q. Public on a constant basis.
If we start enforcing religious beliefs in the business world where does that stop? I mean, you know, we have to accommodate EVERY religion, not just Christianity, so…..who wants to go first?
Is it ok if the Muslim store owner refuses service to the single woman who walks in? Or to anyone wearing a Star of David?
Is it ok if the Pagan store owner refuses service to anyone displaying a cross or crucifix?
Is it ok if the Jewish store owner refuses service to the Muslim? Or how about just any German that walks in?
There are hundreds of smaller but just as valid religions out there with their own rules and regs so…..Are you getting my point yet?
Worship in your Houses of Worship, at your dinner table, in your sewing circle, in your backyard…whatever. Out in Public you’re just another one of us, just another stranger on the bus. You’re no better and no worse.
If you can’t handle that maybe you should just stay home.