Yes, I’m Still Alive


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And still not smoking…for the moment being, anyway.

That’s why I haven’t been here. I can’t sit at this desk behind this keyboard in this office and not DEMAND a cigarette. I have tried and tried but just THINKING of coming in here and NOT having a cigarette has thrown me into a very deep funk. Very deep. I knew this would happen. Other creative types told me to watch out for this and when I make little posts on FaceBook they PM me instead of me posting publicly. Probably because they don’t want the general public to know they tried as hard as they could to stop but it didn’t work or, possibly worse yet, admit to the fact that the creative process was never the same. While those who stopped and didn’t go back say they have may have continued enjoying their works/stories they also seem to agree that the creation process has drastically changed for them and not will say it’s for the better. Not as far as their Art goes anyway.

So; would you rather be dead or walking-dead?

Tough choice.

I tried using the laptop in different parts of the house but that didn’t work out so well. I’ve used my phone the last four or five days to check my Gmail…geez, my Yahoo! Mail must be outta control by now! (shudders)…and, yes, as I said, my FaceBook. I used it to make a very few and very quick status updates over there, check out those messages and the public ones and the ‘likes’ and all of that happy stuff–it’s funny, ya know, it’s easy to tell people who 1-never smoked or 2-smoked but never had a creative outlet. They’re all ‘good for you’ and offering up tips and being so totally supportive it makes me wanna cry knowing just how guilty I’ll feel when I eventually let them all down. The best advice they’ve come up with is the e-cigarette, you might know it as The Joy or similar, it’s an electronic ‘cigarette’ that you ‘smoke’ but there’s no smoke “just water vapor”. I admit it looks cool, if nothing else, it looks totally cool and I would love to use one in a bar or restaurant and watch who gets pissed off first.🙂

I digress…what I haven’t really done is WRITE or read/respond to my email until yesterday.

OK, Lesson #1–stopping smoking leads to a pitifully clean house. It does. Laundry’s done, dishes are always done, cat’s always fed, even the bathroom floor has been swept and mopped…I’m not even having company!!! Pathetic by itself BUT it also lead to a very clean office. There isn’t a fleck of dust in here anywhere. I dumped the trash, dusted, vacuumed, rearranged and got it all set for the new ‘non-smoker’.

Cough. Choke. Yeah. Right.

Lesson #2–if you’re trying to sell yourself or your ‘brand’ in some manner…DO NOT let your email go for more than two days in a row. Did you know I have an author’s chat on February 4th?

Me either!

But I do.

I did, however, remember I have one on January 23rd and I did it all by myself! Aren’t you proud of me? hahaha

People were winning crap at different unadvertised events and suddenly I had to get the crap out to them.

So I did that yesterday. For an hour I checked and responded to my gmail the whole time getting antsier and antsier for a cigarette. I managed to very VERY quickly glance at my site stats for the lat 4-5 days (I’d been checkin’ here and there on the phone but it’s a lot easier to do it at a real computer!) and then I managed to take a VERY quick glance at my FaceBook. Then I had to leave the seat or start tearing my hair out.

Sorta like now.

Just thinking about making this post made me want a cigarette. Really, that’s all I could think; I have a long blog to post so let’s grab a cig. Where’s the cig? WHERE’S MY FUCKIN’ CIG????

I’m doing outrageously well every where else. I can just say ‘no thanks’ to most cravings, until they kick up here at my machine where I LIVE MY LIFE. Then it’s not just; ‘gee, a cig would be nice now, huh?’

No, it’s; ‘Gimme a cig right now bitch or I’ll kick your ass from here to New York City and back…you got me???’

Any-hoo, I had to get on today mostly to let you nice folks know that, yes, Aunty Moon is still alive and kicking. AND I’m supposed to be on the Book Boost today in association with my nomination for Blogger of the Year. I figured if people were going to start coming in to Ye Olde Blog and think about voting for me as Blogger of the Year then it might be helpful if there was a recent post here! LOL

There’s so much going on in the world so much to talk about! Even though, I admit, I have been living under a rock these past 7-10 days. The News has not been on my radar very much and what has been on my radar has pissed me off. Since I’m not smoking….at the moment…I found it difficult to write a rant and make it funny in any manner. Everything I could think of was just completely mean, spiteful, and even hateful. I’m afraid that, if I do manage to write, and it’s ‘not the same…ever again’ that the angst and frustration in me is going to take over the whole story and by the time Raven gets redemption the audience will be screaming for his head on a plate and will feel very cheapened with the offer of redemption instead.

Man I want a cigarette! You have NO idea how much I want a cigarette…right fuckin’ NOW! NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW!

On the plus side, I’m very proud of myself on this one so please take note here…I have NOT relied on food! In fact, I’ve lost a few pounds! How do you like that? Yep my jeans are fitting way better. I think that’s stress, I hear it’s not good to lose weight that way but I’ll take it for the time being. It could also be due, in part, to that wonderful invention Mineral Oil. I have availed myself to several nips off that bottle trying to get rid of the leftover holiday goodies. Feeling lighter! While there’s a lot of booze in the house and the danger lurked I haven’t fallen upon that crutch either although it could have gone either way for a while there. AND, I have not relied on pot! For a little while I smoked more than usual but figured that was defeating the purpose in stopping smoking as well and since it was a poor substitute for a Marb Menthol…what was the point? Yeah, I said it, pot is a poor substitute for a cigarette. Most people would think differently but, there it is nonetheless.

People have tried to remind me that, a long long time ago I wrote without smoking. So I should be able to do it again.

What those nice folks don’t realize is I started writing in 4th grade…noodling, no big deal. I wrote my first full length novel in 7th and 8th grades. That’s young, or I would think anyway. I started smoking right around the same time. I became a full-fledged smoker in high school where I hung out with those leather clad boys on the smoking patio…yep, just call me ‘Rizzo’ cuz I ain’t no ‘Sandra Dee’.

I have made a deal with myself and most of you out there will LOATHE it but it’s my life and since I’d rather be DEAD than a member of the WALKING DEAD, here’s my compromise; I’m going to buy a pack of full flavor of KOOLS.

(All the smokers out there just threw up in their mouths a little bit! hahahaha)

Since I firmly believe I can refrain from smoking without any problem whatsoever under all other circumstances I have agreed to allow myself to smoke 3 KOOLS per day. I may or may not smoke them here at my desk while hubby is at work, it’s frickin’ COLD outside and I don’t want to be treated like a Second Class Citizen in my own house. I will NOT smoke when hubby is home, not even outside. So long as things aren’t going hot and heavy as the Big Guy and I are flying in the Zone that should be fine. If we do any extended writing periods on weekends, we’ll have to find alternative methods including going outside for a cig. Although, that defeats the purpose and that’s the point. Smoking outside gets me my nicotine fix which is all fine and good but it doesn’t get satisfaction in the office. Kinda like using a dildo; you get momentary satisfaction and you reach the climax but it’s just soooooo much better with a skilled partner. Know what I mean, Vern?

So, I crawled out from under my rock yesterday, raised my eyes to the sky to take in the blinding sun. I joined a blog hop coming up in March, that’s the next one. Even though Enchanted Muse will run 2 before that I’m not taking part. I announced on the site that “Rising Son” has been pushed back to a Summer, 2012 release due to conflicts within the writer’s personal life. That takes a little pressure off, which is nice. I know the Big Guy is itching to get back to this and so am I, I’m tired of feeling like I’m less than whole. People are not happy with the announcement but, ya know, I figure, most authors only put out ONE novel a year…why should I have to be any different? I like publishing in the Fall, right around my birthday or Halloween. I think we might stick with that, just follow in the Master’s footprints, and do one a year. If a short story or two or three come along as well then that’s great too but I shouldn’t try to push and rush just to please the General Public. We should do this on our own terms and no one else’s.

Not horrible advice to close out this post, hey?

About lbdarling

Beware...the truth is spoken here. If you can't handle that...buh-bye.

Posted on 03/01/2012, in Life, Uncategorized and tagged , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 5 Comments.

  1. in the end you should do what makes you feel best. staying off the ciggies health-wise would ofc be the best choice, but if you feel that it really is interrupting the creative process, then yeah, i can understand that you want to find a way to get it started again.
    do keep the kitchen in mind, when you succumb to the “Kool”😉
    i used to be a smoker from when i was 12y old, i was kinda ordered to quit by the doctors because i had bronchitis all year around. i did quit, started again after a year, it lasted two weeks before i went “out” cold turkey, it was only then it hit me how bad i was when smoking.
    mom in law was a heavy smoker too, 2/3 packs a day, tried first time , but everyone was watching her like a hawk and she failed. then a long time after she decided to quit again but not tell a soul and it worked, she went cold turkey but w/o all the comments.
    my granddad used to smoke those small tiny cigars, he quit them and then walked around with stumps of them for like 5 more years, never lit them, just wanted the feel of them on his lips.
    (though the clean house is a nice side effect?😉 )

  2. what you are fighting is a conditioned response you have programmed into your head for years by the smoking writing connection. I found it was hardest in the car. Lisa is having issues quitting but the e-cig is helping, good thing on e-cig is you can get the carts in them at diff nicotine levels from full flavor to 0. and the vapor is very satisfactory to the blowing smoke out and the e-cig itself feels like a real cig which takes care of the hand need to hold.
    Sides at pc when writing i bet you burned more smokes then actually inhaled them.

    you can do this sis. I have faith in you very very much.

  3. i remember when newborns lived with ya and can honestly say prolly wasnt as clean as your house now. /duck

    • Oh hell yeah! The cigs burn out in the ashtray next to me as I tell myself; I’m gonna take a drag in just one second. LOL What a waste of money, huh???

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