Truth is Stranger than Fiction


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That’s what “Grandpa Jones” used to. Yeah, ok, you have to be over 40 and remember ‘Hee Haw’ in order to get that one. If you are…you’re nodding your head. If you’re not….eh….Google it.

Anyway, I’ve been sitting here for days cruising Career Builder, Monster, Snag a Job, and the good but useless “Day” paper looking for ‘gainful employment’ and finally coming to the realization that there really isn’t crap out there.

Want a laugh?

My lovely children were in my home office today when I expressed the above opinion and before I could utter the words; “You ladies were right” they were BOTH jumping up and down, pointing at me, and laughing! They BOTH said “Ha! You thought we were lazy!” “You thought we were crazy!”

I admit it, my dear ladies, I was wrong and you were right. All this time. You were right. Old Mom is still alive and kickin’. I know that because Old Mom is still capable of learning, unlike some people I know. I’ve put in resumes and ‘applications’ for the last two weeks. One of the following has happened in response:

We would like to verify your phone number please type it into our URL
We would like to run a CREDIT CHECK on you please give us your info
We received your resume and think you’re a wonderful candidate unfortunately the position you applied for has been filled…would you like to SELL INSURANCE instead?

Oh bother!

I let one place ‘verify my phone number’ (please keep in mind I ONLY have a cell phone and I’m NOT real interested in my measly 450 shared minutes being used up in this fashion!). I put in my number, I waited, it said it was verifying, I waited, I waited, I waited, and I waited. Finally I ‘x’d’ out of the site. FIFTEEN minutes LATER my phone rang and….you’re gonna love it…I got a voice mail from Craig’s List asking me to verify my phone number! WTF? I ‘verified’ my Craig’s List account when I SOLD the friggin’ T-Bird! TWO years ago! BTW, I wasn’t apply to Craig’s List for a job! So I have no idea why the call came from Craig’s List.

I did NOT input my information so some company that didn’t really identify itself could run a ‘credit check’ on me. I figure if someone REALLY NEEDS a credit check for employment the LEAST they can do is TALK to me FIRST. Bottom line…LEAST.

No, I do not want to ‘work from home’ selling insurance.

Other than THAT jobs that Once Upon A Time were easily obtained straight out of HIGH SCHOOL now require a DEGREE. Did you know you can actually GET A DEGREE…a DEGREE…in damn near any stupid thing on the face of the planet? I can get a ‘degree’ ‘proving’ I’m ‘qualified’ to WRITE NOVELS. Seriously. I can get a DEGREE in ‘being a writer’…not in English or ‘creative writing’ or anything like that just a degree that says I am now, somehow, a ‘qualified’ writer.

What the fuck?????????

No, sweetheart, no one needs a ‘degree’ in ‘database management’. If you’ve run ONE database you’ve run them ALL because they’re ALL basically the same. I have oodles of experience with ‘database management’ thanks to my old job at the chiropractor’s office but that was in DOS so it doesn’t count. I also have oodles of experience running and maintaining a database of over 4,000 individuals….it’s called Family Tree Maker, which, BTW, hiring mangers, takes MORE skill and experience, and accepts more information than YOUR database system ever will.

I think we’ve gone a tad bit over the top with the ‘everyone has to go to college’ crap. Which, btw, is what started this fuckin’ tread mill turning in the first place. It used to be one did NOT need a ‘degree’ to be a SECRETARY. One needed to be smart, motivated, and know how to run an office but a DEGREE was not a necessity. It used to be that one could be a medical transcriptionist right out of high school, no degree necessary. Now? You need a ‘degree’. Soon you’re gonna need one to prove you’re ‘qualified’ to pump gas!

And people wonder what’s wrong with the economy. Really? How about NOT starting off life thousands of dollars in debt for a useless ‘degree’…..how ’bout dat? And,ya know, somewhere around 40% of ‘college graduates’ can’t get a ‘job’ in their chosen field and they end up slinging burgers at Mickey D’s while trying to pay back student loans that are, well, as useless and frivilious as the ‘degree’ they received.

Look, I’m not saying going back to school is a bad thing I’m simply saying it’s an unnecessary thing for a great number of ‘jobs’ out there. Ok, fine. It’s unnecessary if you’re over 40. Under that, your high school education probably sucked ass and you did need to go to college just to learn how to properly write your name. I sympathize. I understand. But it’s still FUBAR. At this rate one need a degree to be a phone sex operator! (A job that, yes, I have considered applying for seeing how it pays REALLY WELL.) How ‘hard’ can it be to talk dirty to some lonely jerkwad on the other end of a phone?

Oooo…what are you wearing?

Ahhhh….who gives a rats ass. Just jerk off while I breath heavy on the other end of the line.🙂

There are some of you out there saying to yourselves; Why don’t you go back to school?

For what? So I too can be qualified to sling burgers at Mickey D’s? Hamburger U is a real thing, people. Besides, can you see my 46 year-old sitting in a class with a bunch of 20 year-olds? (Well, ok, some of them could be hot which could lead to innocent fun but other than that…..fuggitaboudit.)

At this point, I gotta be honest, getting divorced, declaring myself ‘incompetent’ and letting the Great State of Connecticut doesn’t sound like a bad idea in the slightest. Hey, WTF, I watched all those other ‘crazy’ and truly lazy fuck ups suck off the State for 10 years at my old job. All the while, they made MORE than I did! So, yeah, it’s sounding better and better. Don’t get me wrong, hubby and I wouldn’t actually have to part ways or anything, we could stay together just not married. I could get health insurance, section 8 housing, food stamps, heat/oil assistance, and a whole bunch of services that would turn your hard workin’ honest folks absolutely green. I could. I won’t. Not yet. I might if this keeps up.

Add to that my dear beloved husband is thinking that I’m just as lazy and crazy as our children and…yep…the option is looking better and better. If I were still young and beautiful I might try for a sugar daddy but at my advanced age the best I can do is State Assistance, well ya know, without turning tricks or something like that.

For those very few companies out there who will still look at someone like me who has no degree but oodles of experience you’re supposed to fax then you’re resume or call for an appointment.

Hello! Dumbass “Hiring Manager”! You’re advertising on Monster.com, careerbuilder.com, craigslist.org….how ’bout giving me an EMAIL address! I’ll be glad to send you my resume that way since I do not own a FAX machine and all. If you like what you see you can call me, we’ll set up an appointment, I’ll come in and we’ll converse. You know what’s going to happen otherwise right? I’ll go in and they’ll be ‘too busy’ to speak with me then but if I just fill out their little application, perhaps/maybe some day someone will get back to me. I’d rather not waste my time and theirs. Give me an email address where I can send you my resume or stop advertising your ‘jobs’ on the internet. Obviously you’re not equipped to be here anyway so do everyone a favor and…go home. Stay there. Out of the way.

I never thought I would say that I miss my old job but I do! I don’t miss the shitty pay but I miss the job…and Kathy, a little, maybe, ok a lot. I did like her. Even if I got the old job back (somehow) it wouldn’t be ‘good enough’. That’s ok, lately nothing I do is ‘good enough’ for anyone. I’m really starting to wish someone would just put me out to pasture or out of my misery, either is fine at this point.

Here’s another thing I never thought I’d say; My oldest daughter has grown up! She really has! Just in the last month since becoming Mrs. Jones she’s soooo much more responsible, polite, nice, easy to be around. It’s a miracle. She’s learning the skills it takes to run a household…not they’re valued in this society by anyone, of course, but still, she’s learning. That’s a wonderful thing. I was beginning to think I was always going to be Mrs. Jones’ adversary and we would never be friends and equals but I am being proven wrong and I couldn’t be happier about that fact. She’s learning to EAT WHATEVER’s in the cabinets and being genuinely HAPPY that she has ANYTHING AT ALL (a lesson some people are still working on). She’s learning that Life Ain’t Easy and Paying the Bills SUH-UCKS but it’s necessary even if you don’t have anything leftover at the end of the week you still have a roof over your head, someone who loves you by your side, food to eat, water to drink, TV/Internet for entertainment and…damn it…Life is GOOD. So what if you don’t have a new car? You don’t have a new car payment either. It works out.

So it looks as though I have done at least ONE thing right with my cruddy little insignificant life; I have taught my daughter how to be happy with less. Ya know, instead of driving herself CRAZY trying to ‘keep up with the Jones”. Leading a Simple Life and being happy with it is no small feat. If Becca walks away with the same lesson I’ll call my life a success and fulfilled. Then I’ll check out.

About lbdarling

Beware...the truth is spoken here. If you can't handle that...buh-bye.

Posted on 13/03/2012, in Life and tagged , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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