The Family Origins of Dumb and Dumber
Yeah, that about sums up “Hatfields & McCoys”.
I watched the entire three night event from start to finish, yes I did. There are a lot of good things about this mini-series but it’s quite Costner Heavy. I think maybe he no longer has the pull in Hollywood that it takes to get those (in)famous 4 hour movies of his made for the big screen. As my hubby pointed out to me nearing the end of it last night; it seemed heavy on the Hatfields in general, almost as though the writer/director/producer wanted you to want them to ‘win’.
I looked at hubby in shock and awe and said; What? I’m supposed to CARE who wins? Oh, I did not know that.
To be honest I found saying “What?” A LOT during this mini-series. Just sitting there shaking my head in flabbergasted disgust.
See, unlike “Titanic” I had no idea which of these two bull-headed steaming hunks of rusty metal was going to ‘survive’…and I didn’t give a damn. I didn’t like either family. I had no reason to root for either family. There was no sympathizing with either family since both of them did bad stuff with a grin. So, there was no good guy and no bad guy just drunken idiots with guns running amok in the hills of Kentucky/West Virginia. By the time hubby asked his question, I was only watching to see who the last man standing was going to be. I figured, what the hell, I’d come that far on this long dusty moronic road, I might as well as see it through to the end.
Nobody won…just in case you’re interested. Nope. No winners. Just losers and a whole shitwad of ’em. Yep. This 3 night event is the walking poster child for “Don’t Give the Monkey a Gun” certainly don’t give him a friggin’ jug of moonshine and a STILL to go with it!
No one learned anything–except maybe for Mr. Hatfield although I have no idea how historically accurate this event was. No one gained anything other than infinite notoriety. Nothing was resolved.
If the production quality hadn’t been so terribly good I would have given up on this thing ten minutes into it. In a weird way, “Hatfields & McCoys” gave me a glimmer of hope that some wonderful someone out there might bring back the Mini-Series, which I totally loved growing up and miss to this day. I just hope that if they do they pick another subject.
The really good thing that came out of this thing was that I finally discovered the family origins of “Dumb and Dumber”. Yep, those two just have to be descended from these backwards clans. There’s no ’bout a doubt it. None. I’d like to say right here and now that I could not get past the first 5 minutes of “Dumb and Dumber” and have refused to sit through it every time it’s come on TV. I can’t stand ‘stupid’ comedy…things that are so, well, dumb they make your brain numb. Nah, I’ll pass.
I waited 3 nights to see the rabid-dog uncle get his and when it happened there was no satisfaction. That’s where fiction is sometimes better than truth. In a fiction story he would have died a horrible death that was painful and slow…and deservedly so. When Hatfield tells his wife that he was afraid one day he’d have to put the uncle down, I laughed and asked the TV why he didn’t do that the first night! Coulda saved a whole bunch of trouble and it was clear the guy was a psychopath so, why didn’t Hatfield shoot him instead of the other Union soldier?
Then, right after that scene, he takes the only son he’s got that’s worth a lick and is going to shoot him in the back of the head whilst fishing. Huh? He let that liquored up bully uncle run crazy for years but he’s going to kill the one kid who’d really like to see peace made so he can go live a quiet life.
Yeah. That makes sense.
McCoy was no better. His sons repeatedly stab and then shoot a man to death and McCoy wants ‘justice’.
Every time he prayed to God to help him I kept wondering why he would do that? Me thinks God wasn’t happy with either Hatfield or McCoy and decided to sit this one out. While it’s true McCoy was more of a Believer than Hatfield, McCoy seemed to have missed the whole Love Thy Neighbor, Do Unto Others, God Helps Those that Help Themselves, To Err is Human, To Forgive Divine….ya know all of those parts of the Bible and only understood the Hellfire and Brimstone sections. Then he wants to know why God has forsaken him or something like that.
Gee, man, I dunno. Maybe it was because God thought you should have found another way to deal with your piss-ant problems? Ya know, instead of letting them snowball out of control and fill the graveyard with your relatives and half the mountain population of two states? Just a thought, take it for whatever it’s worth.
Here’s my big question and most of you are gonna hate me for it but that’s ok. McCoy hires all these bounty hunters to round up the Hatfields, and for the time, he pays big bounties. Had to upwards of $3,000.00 and in the 1890’s that was a lot of cash. Hubby says they collected it from the townsfolk at the several funerals held but I didn’t see too many people dropping money into the hat. So…if he had that type of money…why the fuck didn’t move off the mountain into a proper town and take his dirty/ratty family with him? The wife wanted an ‘electric double-boiler’ and ‘some of Thomas Edison’s EEE-lectricity fireballs’ (light bulbs) but she wasn’t ever gonna get either of those on top of that mountain cuz Con Ed wasn’t coming up that far.
Put down the gun. Back away from the still. And for the love of God! WASH your goddamn long johns! (They were so gross! EWWWWW)
The absolute least McCoy could have done was walked out his front door to face the music when the Hatfields finally showed up to collect him. The cowardly man ran, lost two more kids over it, his wife went insane, and the Hatfields burned his house down. Can’t say I felt sorry for him. He was just as responsible for the mess as anyone else and under those circumstances, when the Piper comes to call, you should hold your head high and answer instead of running like a rabbit. I think the guy ended up losing every single son and was left with a small handful of daughters who didn’t seem to like Daddy anymore by the end of the flick. Can’t say I blame the girls. After all, the guy was so narrow-minded he never even laid eyes on the one grandchild he had up to that time just because it was a Hatfield. Let his daughter die because he was too stubborn to let go of his pride and realize that, often times, one should be humble before God because God does not like a prideful man.
Well, in the end Dumb and Dumber will forever be locked in hickish mortal combat.
At least I didn’t have to hear; “You got a purty mouth”
Although, on the other hand, that might have been preferable to the rest of the crap.