Clash of the Titans-Another Bad Movie


Most of you here know that I love Greek Mythology…duh. It is a nice little hobby of mine and has been for a long time, however, I never hold myself out as any type of ‘expert’ on the subject. After watching the remake of “Clash of the Titans” perhaps I should. At least I do my best to stay within the original stories and keep as much as of them as possible before I go around making shit up!

I want to get this stupid question out of the way first because it’s always bugged me; can anyone out there tell me why it’s called “Clash of the Titans” when there isn’t a single Titan in the movie?

Anyone? Anyone at all.

Ok….onward…

The original “Clash of the Titans” is sooooooo fucking horrible that’s it’s good. Truly, it is. There is a reason it attained and still enjoys ‘Cult Status’. Ray Harryhausen’s effects were better….for the time, for the time. (I have a big soft spot in my heart for Harryhausen flicks!) The original is sort of campy and it doesn’t take itself too seriously but it mostly stays within the context of the actual myth. That’s why people love it and it’s exactly why the remake will never be able to stake that claim.

I never thought I’d say this but; Damn, I missed Burgess Meredith and Harry Hamlin!

Yeah, that’s how bad this one is.🙂

Oh where to start? How about near the beginning where we see all of the Olympians gathered for the ONE and ONLY time. Liam Nesson as Zeus; not buying it, at all. He doesn’t have what it takes to be the God of Gods and his costume…along with all of their costumes, however briefly they were shown…sucked monkey balls. Zeus does not wear armor! Zeus does not have dark brown hair! Zeus is much more sure of himself than Liam Nesson. I didn’t care for the ‘glowing aura’ effect either. Ralph Finnes as Hades; Valdamort all the way. That’s all you could hear when he spoke, I kept waiting for him to say ‘Harry Potter’. I know the two characters are a lot a like and, while the casting director must have thought that was wonderful, I think that’s the problem with him in this role and why the character falls so short. They should have gotten someone else. We do see Poseidon for all of 30 seconds and I think he got one or two words. We do see Apollo for all of 30 seconds but if ‘Zeus’ hadn’t called him by name, you never known it was Apollo. Apollo does not wear gold armor…Apollo IS gold. He does not have long black hair and a long beard. He is blonde and clean shaven.

We don’t see the other Olympians again and none of them have a speaking part. We’re just supposed to guess at who’s who sitting in a circle on their floating chairs.

That was my FIRST round of problems with this flick.

It just gets worse from there.

Sam Worthington does not make a good Perseus. He stinks. Harry Hamlin was sexier in his little get-up and the watcher bought into his vulnerability. Worthington will never exude vulnerability, he will never make the watcher ‘feel’ for his character. He’s very stoic in nearly everything and seems to only have one facial expression; gumpy.

The absolute worst part about this flick are the writers. They screwed the story so badly that it’s completely unrecognizable in most spots as being a telling of Perseus vs. The Kraken. In fact, I HAD to GO LOOK UP everything today to make sure it WASN’T ME that got it all WRONG!

I didn’t…but confirmation is always nice.🙂

I should say that the movie does have many good elements that should have gelled and made a good flick but it never makes it. It might have actually come together if the writers hadn’t been so full of themselves and they’d stuck to the original storyline. If it weren’t for; The Stygian Witches, Medusa, and the Kraken you’d hardly know what the hell you were watching.

Yeah, no, Zeus didn’t get pissed off at Calibos and take his form to screw and impregnant his wife. Nope, sorry. Calibos was cursed by Zeus for killing the Pegasus just for fun. Zeus turned him into a hideous half-man/half-beast creature who wandered in loneliness for his trespass. Calibos was supposed to marry Andromeda and was deeply in love with her but she spurned his affections.

Zeus actually impregnanted Danae, daughter of the King of Argos, Acrisius. Arcisius locked up his only daughter afraid that any son she would have would be the death of him. Acrisius threw his pregnant daughter into the sea out of fear. She died but being a demi-god Perseus lived.

Calibos and Acrisius somehow become one in the same in this remake when they are actually two separate and unrelated characters in Greek Mythology. Acrisius sort of ‘turns into’ Calibos somewhere along the line….it’s very weird. Someone should have told the screen writers; Travis Beacham, Phil Hay, and Matt Manfredi, not to fuck with perfection and not to allow their egos to get in the way of a good story. Hopefully they were fired for “Wrath of the Titans” and someone who knows what they’re doing was put in their place. I guess I’ll have to wait until that hits the $5.00 bin to find out!

Oh, yes! And at the end of the story Perseus and Andromeda get married and live happily ever after. In the real story. In this one, they part ways, they don’t even seem to like each other and he goes off with Io whom Zeus brings back to life. Why Io was in the story AT ALL…I can’t fucking tell. I guess they felt they needed a female or something so they just picked one out of the Greek Mythology Hat or something.

I don’t really know.

On the ‘up side’ some of the effects are truly rather first rate, in fact, whoever did Medusa should get a medal! Especially on this steaming POS, they were the one bright spot in the whole flick. She is really well done. As far as the ‘big battle scene’ with the scorpions goes–“Transformers” did it better. I don’t like saying that because I think Michael Bay goes over the top with everything he directs. That WAS the ‘big battle scene’ the taking of the Kraken’s head was almost a sideline, nearly unimportant.

You have no idea how glad I am that I didn’t pay the original $29.99 asking price for this steaming hunk of shit and picked it out of the $5.00 bin instead! I hear there’s a third one in the making. Ya know what? That just proves my long-standing theory as far as getting your book published and your movie produced; it’s all in who you know. Who likes you and what you’re willing to do for them. It certainly isn’t about talent and telling a good story anymore. Those things went the way of Common Sense, I’m afraid, they all ‘caught the last train for the coast’.

Clash of the Titans-2010 gets a fat F- from Auntie Moon. It’s so bad I won’t even put it in my Halloween Pile, I wouldn’t subject someone to it and call it a ‘gift’. As to the sequels, if I’m really stoned one day and they’re on TV I’ll give ’em 5 minutes but that’ll probably be about it.

I didn’t think anything could stink more than Ghost Rider II but this topped it by far!!!!

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About lbdarling

Beware...the truth is spoken here. If you can't handle that...buh-bye.

Posted on 24/06/2012, in Life and tagged . Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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