Total….Nope, I Don’t Recall

I conquered my fear of going to the movies after the big shooting in Colorado. For the life of me I don’t know why I bothered. I’m getting sick of re-makes to begin with but doubly so with re-makes in which it is nearly impossible to find any of the original movie. I know, as a society, we’re getting less creative and less imaginative but, honestly, this is just too much. There’s no need to use a well-known movie as a ‘jumping off point’ anymore. Whoever wrote this could have easily just changed the character’s names and called it something else. In doing so maybe they could have found some character in the characters.

Anyway, if you have any…recalled…fondness for this

With its camp and it’s one liners and it’s good-effects-for-the-time don’t bother with this

It has no sense of humor at all. It’s boring as hell and even longer than a barren stretch of desert road.

It’s a shame because I was looking forward to this movie since we saw the previews for it at “The Avengers”. I like Colin Farrell, I think he’s really cute. Not the world’s best actor but cute just the same. I have no idea why they didn’t let him talk in his normal voice in this one since it’s all supposed to be set in post-Apocalyptic Earth with only 2 colonies remaining; Great Britain and Australia. His sweet normal accent would have fit right in. I figured I might have a difficult time buying him in Arnie’s old role but I was willing to give it a shot. But, ya know, I’ve always heard he has the ‘biggest cock in Hollywood’…that intrigues me. I saw his balls in “Alexander”…there’s a disastrous movie! I put it on the I-Never-Want-To-See-It-Again shelf, every time hubby goes to put it in the DVD I threaten to snap it in half. Want that type of movie watch “Troy” it’s much better. On the upside, in “Total Recall” Colin does walk around without a shirt for a while in the beginning of the film. Too bad there isn’t more of that.

Cate Beckinsale takes over for Sharon Stone’s part as the wife/agent/babysitter BUT instead of being a small part she’s in the whole movie because it seems she also takes over for Michael Ironside who played “Richter” in the original. (Bad choice there…combing characters never works) I have no idea why someone doesn’t kill her sooner. I also don’t have any idea why when, she does finally get killed, it’s so very anti-climatic. I said there and literally said out loud; “OH come on, jump up and down on her a few times or something…geez.”

Jessica Biel takes over for Rachel Ticotin’s part as the rebel lover. She’s ok. I sort of like her.

Billy Nighy, who I really like, takes over for Marshall Bell as the Resistance Leader but, no he’s not a mutant, there is no “Quato” and he’s in the flick for all of 4 minutes.

The worst casting job, right up there next to Liam Nesson as “Zeus” and along side Christopher Lloyd as the Big Bad Klingon in “Star Trek III”…. was Bryan Cranstan (“Malcom’s” Dad!) taking over for Ronny Cox as “Cohaagan” the ruthless son of a bitch bent on plundering or destroying the Mars Colony…oh no wait, that’s….bent on destroying…Australia? Now I know some of you like “Breaking Bad” but this guy will forever and always be “Malcom’s” bumbling Dad to me.

There is no:
Johnny Cab–which I missed and am still waiting for in the Real World
No rough n tumble little person
No double-agent cab drive with “5 kids to feed”
No tracking device in “Quaid’s” head…just a….phone? In his..hand?
No, “C’mon, baby, you know you’re the girl of my dweams.” (I love that line)
No, “Consider that a divorce.” (Also a great line)
No MARS????
No gasping for air because “Cohaagan” shut off the fans.

In fact, the viewer can’t actually feel anything for the people in “The Colony” (Australia) because the viewer never gets to know any of them. I think we’re just supposed to ‘connect’ with them automatically because they’re ‘poor working Joe’s’ or something like that. I’m not buying this “Fall” thing…basically a SUBWAY that runs through the CORE of the Earth joining Australia with Great Britain. Yeah. Right. I love Sci-Fi but I’m not a total idiot.

The only original things kept in this movie are the character’s names, the absolute most basic premises of the original, and the chick with 3 tits. Oh yeah, they kept her all right. Woot-freakin-woot.

However there is a plethora of absolutely mind-blowing special effects all of which work flawlessly. Whoever was behind that part of the movie should have a nice long profitable career in Hollywood ahead of them. They were really top-notch.

Other than that it all falls very flat. I can say that with absolute confidence because the second everyone in the movie house realized it was over they grunted, groaned, and got up and out as fast as they could. If any reviewer tells you this is a good flick they are either lying or their taste is all in their mouth.

Wait for it to hit the $5.00 Bin, which it will very soon after it comes out in DVD no doubt in the very near future. Or wait for TV or a buddy to invite you over to watch their copy. Bring a crossword puzzle or something so you won’t be totally bored out of your mind.

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About lbdarling

Beware...the truth is spoken here. If you can't handle that...buh-bye.

Posted on 04/08/2012, in Uncategorized and tagged , . Bookmark the permalink. 2 Comments.

  1. The studios really make it tough these days to evaluate a movie based solely on its own merits. Remake after reboot hit the silver screens and some people love it. But if you listen to the movie blogs, you would think each reboot signifies the end of civilization as we know it. Regardless of how you feel about the onslaught of the remakes, they remain a safe bet for studios and they’re going to keep coming!

    • I think they’re only a “safe bet” if they’re done right. If one isn’t going to stick at least fairly close to the original what’s the point in ‘remaking’ something? Why don’t they just come up with their own ideas and call it even? It’s not the end of civilization…just yet…but I think it does signify that the coming generation has been overly influenced by technology and not enough by the old fashioned human touch.

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