The Lazy Writer’s Guide to Losing Weight


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No, I don’t have the secret.

Damn it!

I wish I did.

BUT, since turning 40 (almost 7 years ago) my once super tight body has gone through a lot of changes that I’m not exactly thrilled with.

Here, let me illustrate…

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The one on the far right with the frizzy perm is me. This is Junior Prom…circa…OMFG!….1983! LOL We have Joey, our escort for the evening. On the far left is my cousin Donna. RIP my friend. I miss you.

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That’s me again, this time with Miss Nicole (right) and Miss Rebecca in my arms. Circa 1992.

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Far right, white dress w/ black shawl….yep, that’s me again. Gods, I wish I knew what year this was! I’m going to say 1998. If Jen and/or Jenn are here, I’m sure they’ll correct me if I’m wrong.😉

poobahtbird01

Yep, me again. Somewhere around 2008. WOW. Yeah. It’s been THAT long since I got new glasses. No wonder I have to take these freakin’ things OFF to see anything! LOL

6.24.13 105

6.24.13 122

6.24.13 133

That’s me about a week and a half ago. These are the pictures the nice lady took of me at the Harbor Light.

I look FAT. To me…I look HUGE. Hump Backed Whale Sized!

Don’t you laugh at me. I mean it. It’s not funny.

As previously discussed in In the Middle Part Deux regarding my latest clothes shopping excursion, I am unhappy with my once size 3 body now turned 6/8. VERY unhappy.

As such I have embarked on The Lazy Writer’s Way to Lose Weight.

Last Friday I bought a bottle of Snake Oil. Yes, I know that’s what it is because The Big Guy kept constantly reminding me of that fact as I threw it into the cart. It’s something called 14-day Fat Burning with Cleansing. Basically it’s a whole bunch of caffeine with some cool herbs that make you poop. If you’re a Constant Reader you know of my trials and tribulations in that area. This stuff works. I’m shocked. So…yippie-kay-ay! The harsh caffeine jolt keeps me AWAKE and going. I have energy…or so I think…therefore I WANT to do things. Like write. So that’s good too.

My hands are shaky. That’s not so good.

I have to take at least two Unisom to have any hope of sleep.

I keep pissing like a race horse! Seriously. Like…WAY more than normal. I keep wondering when I DRANK so much.

I realize I am losing unnecessary ‘water weight’.

To which I heard; Oh, is that it?

Yes, you know it is.+

Although, it did take me a day or two to come to that conclusion. AND, all in my head or not, I actually feel a little thinner after 3 days of taking it, peeing my brains out, and enjoying the peace easy BMs the rest of the world takes for granted. Up to 3 times a day! Oh Happy Day! hahahaha

Hummmm, it’s July. What happens if one loses too much water in the middle of summer?

Shut up. I’m not gonna dehydrate. Besides YOU’VE been enjoying the benefits of the new energy burst.

Yes, he has! We’ve been moving right along with the story over the last several days. Went from page 89 to page 105, we did. Not even bothering to listen to that little discouraging voice always nagging and telling me I’m a ‘hack’. We’ve got some interesting things brewing and coming to a head. Mad Max meets Cobra….should be fun!

BUT, I’ve also been trying to cut my calorie intake. Going heavy on the fruits. It’s SUMMER. This is the BEST time of year for fruit and veggies. So I’ve been indulging in fruit salads with some Angel Food Cake (very low-cal/low-fat from what I understand) with a little pure whipped cream. Also started drinking something called Sparkling ICE Water. Good stuff! Zero calories and 3% fruit juice. Bubbly. Not owned by Nestle…always a huge plus. Refreshing.

Oh yeah, speaking of ‘refreshing’…. I also decided to try a new beer. It’s summer. I love to drink beer now. I don’t know if it’s the heat or being Irish or just being a New Englander but from now until September there is a primal urge to consume large amounts of beer. Go figure. I usually drink Coors Light in the summer. Last week I bought a six pack of Miller 64.

If you haven’t don’t this yet…don’t.

It’s very bitter and other than that it’s also tasteless. AND it has a low alcohol content. You have to drink one and half of them to get the ‘effect’ of one Coors Light. So, in doing that you also get 1/3 MORE calories than drinking the one Coors Light.

Yeah, I finished the six pack of Miller but bought another six pack of Coors Light.

Hey, man, gotta keep the myth alive, right? Besides, from the writers I know the ‘stereotype’ of the Drunken Writer is based in much more truth than fiction.😉 We all have our ways into The Zone but alcohol is the most common among them. And, like I said, we’ve been flying. What a GREAT feeling. I’ve been loving it. Leaves me energized, tingly, wiped, buzzed, starving, horny, restless, and, as always, itching to get back to the keyboard.

No, I haven’t had the balls to weigh myself. Hell, I don’t even know if my 50+ year old bathroom scale is accurate! hahaha When I went to the hospital I tipped the scales at a godawful and horrifying 136lbs.

Please, keep in mind that I weighted 89lbs all through high school and broke down and cried when I broke 100lbs only because I was pregnant. For YEARS AFTER I had Nikki and then AFTER Becca I continued to pride myself on the fact that I weighed less than 110lbs and was unable to volunteer to give blood because of it.

I did.

For those of you who may be wondering at this point; I am 5’3 and 1/4. Or I used to be. My kids tell me I have shrunk. Not sure about that.

Yes, friends and neighbors, back in My Day, in the Dark Ages, we worried about bygone things like Anorexia and Bulimia. We didn’t give a shit about the ‘Obesity Problem’, we were too busy throwing up and popping speed or Dextrim.

Raised her hand and screams; Guilty!

Oh yeah, I took a lot of those back in My Day. Thin was In and the Thinner the Better. The more ribs that showed the sexier. The more your hip bones jutted out the better. I was no exception to the rule. People often looked at me and said that I could ‘turn sideways and disappear’. I never believed them. I always thought I could lose another pound or two.

Can’t ‘turn sideways and disappear’ anymore! Nope. Oh, bummer.

I know a good body won’t come in a pill during my life time and I don’t know how safe this stuff is but at $14.99 a bottle vs. the $25.00 a bottle for the Slim Quick….at my advanced age….I’ll chance it. After all, I’ve got a little pep in my step and, today I noticed, the wiggle returned to my walk after months of being absent.

Oh vanity! What a cruel Mistress!

No one asked you. You won’t like me half as much in ten years when I’m all silver/gray, wrinkled, and chubby as a cartoon grandmother!

I’m over five thousand years old…you really think I give a shit about another TEN years? Or twenty? Thirty?

Whatever.

This aging thing is turning out to be a very bitter pill to swallow. I’ve done my best to accept it with grace and dignity up until my last clothes shopping trip. A size 6/8 is intolerable.

For those of you sitting there telling me to ‘get up and move’ and to ‘exercise’. I know you’re right and I have plans to turn Miss Rebecca’s bedroom into a workout room. I also know I’m lazy and will start with the best of intentions but will give up just as soon as I start to see results. This will be because 1-I have carpel tunnel and it hurts my arms to move them too much. 2-I never move and just walking to the top of the Harbor Light (89 feet up) was enough to make my knees ache for two days. 3-, I’m a lazy America. I admit it. In the end, I really want it to come in a freakin’ bottle. Can’t we do that yet?

I’ve spent the last decade telling other women to just accept the Three Stages of a Woman’s Life; Maiden, Mother, Crone… with Grace and Dignity. To know they’ve earned every wrinkle and gray hair. To be themselves and not try to hide who and what they are under layers of hair dye, make up, and cosmetic surgery.

I still believe that.

But no one bothered to mention the extra pounds!

At the end of my ’14 days’ I’ll get tipsy and jump on the bathroom scale. Cross your fingers it’s somewhere near accurate and that the number staring back at me is somewhere south of 136, huh?

Damn this Getting Older Thing….SUH-UCKS!

About lbdarling

Beware...the truth is spoken here. If you can't handle that...buh-bye.

Posted on 01/07/2013, in This n That and tagged , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 13 Comments.

  1. Oh my, as an instructor, you have my jaw on the floor. Can I offer a small suggestion? Just one I promise! (unless u want more, hell we can work out a trade (*cough*eros*cough*). A stability ball. I have seen them as low $10.00 at say walmart. Just make sure u get one for ur height. It will come with a sheet illustrating various exercises. WAIT! COME BACK! lol Baby steps. Just sit on it, while you’re writing, clicking away on ur keyboard. Simply sit on it with ur feet flat and shoulder width apart.😉

    • Just sit on it? Will it help my back???

      • Yes. It’s a cycle. It will strengthen your core which in turn will help your posture which in turn will ease tension for your back. The stability ball will basically make you feel unstable so without conscience effort, your abs will contract, your feet will plant and your back will straighten to keep you upright. otherwise, you will roll. Find that position while you work your magic with Ares and company.😉

        You will read conflicting reports on this but you also have to think about how our tricky minds work. if you’re in a chair, u feel stable. u can slouch, slump, throw your head back in frutration etc. on a ball, not so much so in the back of your mind, you’ll be more aware of your body so as not to slip and fall on your ass. haha

        • I forgot to mention, once u get comfortable, sit and then patter your feet forward until you’re sitting near the edge. with your toes now pressed against the wall, say under your desk, you can gradually rock yourself forward and back gicing your legs some much needed stretching if you’re sitting for long periods of time.

        • All I do is sit. I sit at work and use a computer for 6 hours. I come home and sit at my desk and use a computer for 3 hours. I make dinner. I stand for that…LOL THEN I sit watching TV the rest of the night. I am the most stationary person you’ll ever come across. I keep telling myself to sign up for a Yoga class. I bought a DVD. It made it me feel like an idiot. Not the calming relaxing thing I thought it would be. hahaha I’ll try the ball and let you know how it goes!

  2. Sis I love you, and am saddened you dislike you older bod, you have earned it. You look like a woman, I personally have NEVER like bones, I have always except for Mary, loved fluffy girls, be kind to your self as you are healthier weight then more then half of america. Do not kill self to be thin. YOur hubby loves and thinks your sexy and honestly even though I am alt love style, he should be only person you worry bout, well him and you head, but do be kind to self. you will never be in bad shape like me.

    • Yep but looking at the price the Cheap Yankee in me says ‘no’. LOL I’m glad it’s helped you so much! That’s just AWESOME, bro!!!

  3. durp…. edited and Lisa lost it without any diet changes.

  4. stag beer is my favorite light beer. Ah, yes. Steak, Taters and Gravy. A pork chop in every can, as we say around these parts.

  5. After two kids, count me on the “I don’t like my body” boat. I understand completely. I know I need to workout to change the situation, but with two small kids, any spare moment I do get, I want to work on my novel, not go for a run or sweat buckets in my living room while the fat bounces in all directions as I’m jumping around to a dvd. I need to make a change, though. Let us know how the ball is. I may just go get one, myself.

  6. This could be wrong but, I once saw a TV show that said that it was Miller that started the whole lighter beer trend back in WWII. When the boys went to war they started cutting the beer with rice to lighten the body and flavor in order to sell to woman. After the war they just continued the practice because the guys bought it and it was cheaper to produce.

  7. Dirk Townsend

    When I realized the three leading lights of American macro-brewing all have strikes against them, I turned, as always, to the lower end of the spectrum. If I’m going to sacrifice taste for calories, I might as well save a couple bucks a case along the way.

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