The Famous Final Scene

We went to the wake/memorial service last night. Hubby knew Donny, not well, they had a very good mutual friend and often ran into each other. All three of them musicians so they got along well. I met Donny a few times, talked with him, found him to be…a little offbeat…as I’d said earlier but there’s nothing wrong with that. He was sweet, very kind, and gentle.

One thing about funerals, at our age, they become mini family reunions. I ran into my Uncle Billy who works for the funeral home. I need new glasses! I knew it was him. He looks just like my grandfather–his uncle. Then suddenly I found myself wondering if I was chatting with the wrong man. Then he said my name and…oh, that was nice. I only see him at funerals. They can be few and far between, thankfully.

We went in, we gave our condolences to the family, each of us feeling a bit odd about it as we weren’t close to Donny and weren’t sure if we should say anything or just sit in the back. The family was happy to have us there, of course by that time they’d said that to so many people it was second nature. Been there, done that, more than once. We were really there to support our mutual good friend who was simply devastated by the loss. Poor guy. Donny was only 43 and I don’t think there was anything wrong with him so it’s a bit of a shock. We took our place in the back of the room and wondered if we should just leave and let these nice people go through the rituals of death amongst themselves. I was voting for leaving but it’s hard to say so under those circumstances. I almost never stay for the service or go to an actual funeral. I always go to the wake but not the funeral.

A few minutes later our mutual good friend came over to say there was a problem; the caterer needed help, would we mind going over to meet him when him sent a text letting us know he’s arrived at the American Legion. Hard to say no so we said yes. We stayed through a good part of the service before the text arrived, more on that in a bit. We went over to the American Legion with the wife of our mutual friend, met the caterer, brought in the food, set up the food, and when that was done, feeling as though we’d done our part and probably something we were actually supposed to do last night, we took our leave just the guests began flooding in.

I hadn’t eaten in over 24 hours, we hit Mickey D’s on the way home.๐Ÿ™‚ We had a nice night just the two of us.

Now, as usual, I’ve told you ALL of that so I can tell you this:

If, at my funeral, anyone mentions; the Bible, Jesus Christ, dying for sins, God, psalms, Mark, John, Peter, Paul, King Solomon or any of the like…I will come back from Mount Olympus and I will haunt you to the day you die. Got it?

Here’s my reasoning for such and it’s why I don’t go to the funeral. We stayed last night, at first the service was personal, the reverend/priest/chaplain whatever said a few nice things about Donny and then opened the floor for anyone who wanted to remember him. Also very nice. Two people got up and spoke from the heart, it was very sweet. Then the reverend/priest/chaplain/minister took over and it was God from thereon out. Which is all well and good for a few minutes. About 5 or 10 minutes in, I felt uncomfortable, my husband felt uncomfortable, others around us were growing visible uncomfortable shifting in their chairs or from foot to foot. Around that time, luckily for us, the text came through and we went to set up the food for the reception. While we were waiting for the caterer to arrive, the four of us looked at each other, and out of nowhere, for no apparent reason whatsoever, suddenly agreed we didn’t want anything like that when we die. No joke. In fact, it was mentioned that Donny probably wouldn’t have wanted it either.

So…Rule #1 for Aunty Moon’s Final Scene…No “God” talk. None. Zero. Zip.
If I am dead then just take comfort in the absolute knowledge that I am exactly where I’ve been promised I will be and I am happy. I am free.
1-A, other than that you can say whatever the hell you want..feel free.
2-B, any type of service should be held outside if possible
3-C, I don’t really want to be put ‘on display’ but if there is a traditional wake you must walk by and say; Gee, she looks great. Doesn’t she look great? You must do that! For me and for my Dad. If you do it, you’ll hear my voice in your head with the answering sentence, and you’ll smile.

Rule #2…I want to be cremated, if you bury me we’re going to have problems and I don’t want to leave Olympus once I arrive.
2-A, if at all possible, which it won’t be, I want an Open Pyre. That’s right, built a great big bon fire with a bed over the flames, put my dead self on it, one coin for each eye please, then set it ablaze. Most State Laws won’t accommodate this so…..
2-B, you’re going to have to pay someone to do it legally. You can haul my dead ass around yourself and avoid the $300-$500 fee the funeral home will charge you to do it. That’s fine with me, in fact I prefer it. Just shove me in the bed of your pick up and drive me down to the crematorium.
2-C, don’t buy a coffin, don’t rent a coffin, you don’t need one to cremate me. If there’s a wake you can just lay me out on a folding table.
2-D, don’t pay for embalming just toss my ass into the oven, I don’t need to be embalmed first.
2-E, don’t pay for a fancy urn, put my ashes in a Maxwell House Coffee can. I’m serious about that.
2-F, I want my ashes taken to the top of Mount Olympus and scattered to the winds. I want you to save a handful of them to scatter at the Areopagus.
2-G, if 2-F is not possible, I want this

Bios Urn

I posted that link because my husband can’t remember it. So you’re going to have to.

2-H, I’d like to be planted by running water and far away from any power lines so CL&P can’t come along and chop me down. Greece is still a good option here๐Ÿ˜‰
2-I, after planting or scattering, a party should ensue, much drink, much Toby, much food, a little dance and a few ‘oompahs’ would be nice. Then go home and have sex until dawn. Be happy.

Rule #3…As to any estate I may leave behind…..hahahahahaha. It is my full intention to die broke. Probably even owing a bill or two that will never get paid because there’s no money and no assets. Nope just enough money to take care of the above, which will come before anything else anyway, so let’s just call that Aunty Moon’s Final Revenge.

About lbdarling

Beware...the truth is spoken here. If you can't handle that...buh-bye.

Posted on 24/08/2013, in Uncategorized. Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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