Let’s Try This Again
First off…Carina Press said ‘no’ to “The Heart” of War” this morning. I got the standard bullshit. I didn’t even open their email until 3 hours after I saw it in my box cuz gmail lets me see the first few words which were “Thank you”.
If YOU see ‘thank you’….you’re fucked. It’s over. Don’t even bother opening it. It’s a rejection. That goes for anything; book submission, resume submission, college submission…anything.
Yeah, this is where being more like my “Father” than my “Mother” comes in really handy.🙂
Before I leave the subject of “Father”…I was treated to the longest, loveliest, most incredibly sensual version of
It just kept going and going and going sort like
Nothing else. Just a long, deep, wonderful, and quite lovely darkness. That’s it. Just Mark Knopfler’s voice. That’s it. All night. It was….wonderful…actually.
Let’s get to the meat of this particular entry….shall we?
It’s no secret that I’ve felt fatter than a whale and complete utterly mind-shatteringly unattractive this last year or more. It’s also no secret that I’m a lazy bitch. I would rather write than else in the entire world.
So yesterday I started with my Wii again. That thing really is incredibly FUN! It IS! I’m just fuckin’ lazy that’s all. Believe me that is something I did not want to admit to! I’ve never been an exercise freak or anything…Gym…I nearly failed it in high school. That’s mostly because of the ‘politics’ involved in Gym Class. It is a degrading nasty thing. It is. I’ve never been overly coordinated or my version of ‘beautiful’ although hubby keeps reminding me that I was so hot…
(How hot were you?)
I was SOOOOO HOT that nearly ALL of my hubby’s friends took a stab at fucking me. Wooing me. Wanting me and making it known.
That’s true. They did. They tried. Most failed.
Yes, I said ‘most’. Deal with it as you remember we are approaching our 28th Wedding Anniversary.
Any-hoo…after thinking myself outrageously fat, totally gross, and most unsexy, all this time…and believing that’s why my Lover of All Lovers (The Big Guy) abandoned me for some young hot chickie….I found it wasn’t true.
I’ve never named “the other author” and I never will but I’ve given you enough clues to find her if you’re of a mind to do so.
Today…I actually went and checked her out even though we are no longer ‘friends’ on Facebook.
She ain’t no skinny-minnie. In fact, she’s on the BBW side of life which I don’t believe, in my heart of hearts, The Big Guy finds ‘sexy’ in the slightest. I know…I know…I’ve repeatedly said within the stories that Alena–with her willowy frame– isn’t his type. He likes a ‘stouter’ woman. But I was just being kind. Honestly. I was just being nice to the, possibly, larger ladies in my reading audience. Mostly, I was referring more to a Lucy Lawless type of female body when she was ‘Xena’, which no one in their right mind would call ‘skinny’.
Or at least not an American Male…how’s that?
The “other author” can’t get a leg into my jeans.
(Does that make you happy, Moonie?)
Why, yes, yes, it does. Sorry if that’s vain or whatever. I beg your forgiveness on that one.
Wii still stays I’m ‘overweight’ and the ‘new’ slacks/jeans/pants I bought last time around are getting snug.
I am totally unhappy. I’m ready to just…well…
….Have a Cow, Man!
I can’t take it anymore.
If if The Big Guy really DOES like a ‘stouter’ woman…I can’t be it and still feel sexy. I can’t do it. Sorry. I was a size 3 for far too long. This size 10 going on 12 thing is REALLY going UP MY ASS SIDEWAYS!
SO…I bought a brand new herbal regimen while at Stop & Shop this morning. No, it doesn’t include any gimmicky products. I went back to MY roots of herbalism and paganism.
I will use that along with my Wii AND along with the….
I just bought…or WILL BE BUYING this evening. It was $400 on CraigsList but I got the seller down to $300 since it isn’t very ‘high tech’ or anything like that.
I bought because hubby brought the subject up last night. He said he’d noticed I hadn’t been very ‘happy’ lately and that he ‘didn’t care how I looked’ but it was obvious that I did. So we looked online last night after a nice evening at The Bulkeley House, we went for dinner and Live Entertainment. See? I AM trying to Act Locally lately. No more Olive Garden, Outback, or Longhorn Steakhouse. Each of which was really lousy the last time we went anyway.
I sort of ‘forced’ myself to use the Wii yesterday. I don’t know why. I really do like the tennis game and according to Wii, I am a ‘tennis pro’…LOL. Yes, I’m still very much ‘off balanced’ too! hahahahah
But getting the desire, the will, the strength, together to ‘work out’ is more difficult than it should be. Weird. Especially once you consider than when I do start I don’t want to stop. But the voice in my head that says ‘you’re a fat bitch now’ or ‘you’re too old to be sexy’ wins out more often than not.
As ‘Vivian’ once said; The Bad Stuff is Easier to Believe.
I look in the mirror…infrequently…but I did it today. I’m not HUGE. I’m not incredibly fat. Yet still, I’m not skinny.
You’re not 18 anymore or 25 or 30 or even 40.
That hurts. Do you know that?
I know He means it as a compliment. As a balm. Still it hurts far more than it soothes. I am a Child of the 70s and 80s. FAT was so NOT an option. We were ALL either Anorexic or Bulimic! End of Story. Personally, I was Anorexic.
I want to stay my version of sexy. I don’t want to be heifer like that “other author”. I want to keep actually DOING the things I write about and not merely fantasizing about them.
So later today I will bring home my new elliptical machine. We’ll put it in the budding ‘work out’/Xbox room and I’ll try again.
If I could just get down to a size 6 again…well…I know it’s vain…but I might actually WANT to write again. I might actually FEEL sexy/desirable again rather than trying to be comfortable with what I’ve become lie that “other author”.
Ya know..if he wasn’t a God…he’d never take her over me. Even now at my more advanced size of 10.
She’s FAT…ok? There I said it! I did! She’s a LARDASS!
Me? I couldn’t stand to turn into her. I couldn’t. I’m sorry if that offends you but I just couldn’t do it.
I’m going to bring home my new elliptical machine, get a new TV for the ‘spare room’, hook up my Wii to it, take my Ginseng with Royal Jelly, Acidophiles, and my Pepcid AC (good lord don’t forget that stuff! It’s AWESOME! It has more benefits than just acid reduction, yes it does.🙂 ) I’m going to keep working my ass off until I’m back to a 4-6. Until I feel sexy and healthy again.
That’s my goal. Not “eternal youth”. No. I have many gray hairs on my head and a bit lower. I have laugh lines and all out wrinkles. I wouldn’t trade them for anything but I would trade this tiny ‘spare tire’ to feel like a true vixen again.
If that offends you…sue me.