I Gotta Do It…Sorry People

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OK, so, obviously I cannot stand this steaming hunk of fly riddled dung entitled “Fifty Shades of Grey”….thought I’d throw that out there in case you can’t discern that for yourself by the graphic I went to the trouble to make.😛

We’ve been over my reasons why a million times. We’ll go over them again throughout this post, of that I have no doubt.

I’m so sick from the hype surrounding this movie that I’m ready to puke every time something jumps through my Yahoo! “News” feed, FB, Twitter…blah-dee-freakin’-blah-blah social medial. I mean that quite literally. I want to vomit every single time something about it pops up. It’s a strong deep physical and emotional reaction to being around a fresh pile of shit so pungent it makes you cringe and gag as the stench hitches in the back of your throat. Cats owners and new-born baby parents know exactly what I mean on that one.

I put up with the BS surrounding the release of the books with as much grace as I could muster, do I really have to suffer the indignity of this critically panned completely literary astronomical flop shoved in my face as a wanna-be BlockBuster Movie? The really shitty part about that, do you want to know? Is that people will flock to this movie on Valentine’s Day as they did to the books and for same sole reason; They were TOLD they loved it…so they did.

It was sold to the masses the same way New Kids on the Block, 98 Degrees, The Hanson Brothers, The Jonas Brothers and so many more talentless boy bands were sold to nearly the same female crowd throughout their entire lives. Ahhh, good marketing, you gotta love it. Seriously, as an author I respect that. I understand its power and its usefulness. I do.

Without shadow of a doubt I respect any author, especially an indie one who started out as a fanfiction writer (well not originally but you Old Timers know what I mean), and then busts their butts to get out there. To Be Seen. To Be Heard. Those who work hard and are filled with drive, not just for the Almighty Dollar, but are honestly spurred on daily, hourly, by The Muse.

What I don’t respect are the pathetic masses who buy into crap like this so willingly, joyfully, happily, idiotically.

Now, hold on, I do make exceptions, I admit that. If you’re

Under 30–growing up in a PC homogenized world


Have never read anything hotter than Judy Blume or Barbra Cartland then…I don’t blame you.

If you are over 30

and/or you

Know who Voltaire, Harold Robbins, Jacqueline Susann, VC Andrews, and Judith Rossner are and you drooled over this anyway…shame on you!

Although to tell the truth and shame the devil I doubt those who have read those authors gave EL James anything more than a chuckle.

If, however, you thought “Twilight” was wonderful and original then I can almost forgive you for liking “Fifty Shades of Grey”. I can’t forgive your mothers but I can almost forgive you.



I loved my mom. My mom was a voracious reader. When she died I was left everything from “The French Lieutenant’s Woman” to “The Godfather” in first edition hard covers. They’re all piled in the back of my closet because I didn’t have any place to put them except for the books she read that most inspired me when I was young. I confess, I often snuck her books out of her case, took off the covers, and put them in with my text books to take to school to read to during ‘free time’ or ‘you’re freakin’ boring me time’.

In, I don’t know, 1978-1981 some her books that were most favored by me were:

“Dreams Die First”, Harold Robbins
“Stiletto”, Harold Robbins
“The Carpet Baggers”, Harold Robbins
“Valley of the Dolls”, Jacqueline Susann
“Once is Not Enough”, Jacqueline Susann
“Delores”, Jacqueline Susann
“Yargo”, begun by Jacqueline Susann
“Looking for Mr. Goodbar”, Judith Rossner
“The Crowd Pleasers”, Judith Rossner
“Flowers in the Attic”, VC Andrews
“Pedals on the Wind”, VC Andrews
“If There Be Thorns”, VC Andrews
“The French Lieutenant’s Woman”, John Fowles
“Candide”, Voltaire

On my own I came across:
The Kama Sutra
The Joy of Sex

I’m guessing you get the point by now🙂

She also liked crime dramas and family dramas, Irwin Shaw, and Mary Higgins Clark, and (ick) Danielle Steel, along with Helen Van Slyke. I’ve read some of those as well.

Stephen King and Shanna Carol, probably the two biggest influences on my own writing career, came to me on their own through sheer ‘quirks of fate’. I can’t even begin to tell you how much “The Shining” and “Raven” impacted me reading them at the same time. I kept reading The Greats and this ‘new guy’ Stephen King and in 7th-8th grade all of the above collided in my head in a glorious explosion of creativity that gave birth to my inner world starting me down my own private path to fulfillment.

If you’ve never read any of the above and you just blush of “Fifty Shades of Grey”, I dare you to choose any of those titles, read it, then come back here and tell me you still feel the same way. In fact, I double dawg dare you.

I presented the above to you for reasons that are two-fold: 1- to show I’m not adverse to sex (in case you’ve never read my books) and 2-because the majority of women that I know who are in my age group and who have tried to read “Fifty Shades of Grey” put it down around page 50–give or take–with the same reasoning; they couldn’t keep reading it–not because of the sex or the kind of sex–but because it was so poorly written. It simply could not hold their attention.

Personally, on that count, I blame whoever edited it but, then again, they really only have the tools they’re given so…..six of one half-dozen of the other on that count, I guess.

So, if it is indeed so poorly written that it does not resonate with a mature life-experienced crowd, and the population is aging according to the latest statistics; what does this say about us?

To me, it says our standards have sunk very low. Never mind our literary standards and our general standards for what is it worth your time to sit and read because it’s ‘good’ or ‘praiseworthy’ those ideals are shot to hell. We don’t even expect people to conjugate sentences correctly any longer without the use of Spell Check so why expect literary greatness?

On a more practical level, I think it points to the fact that we shelter our young far too much these days and when they actually get out there in the world they’re really not anywhere near ‘mature’ until they’re 30 whereas once it was 21. That’s not the fault of a ‘bad economy’ no matter how much society would like to think it is. It’s a lack of expectation and the result of living in a world where everyone is ‘special’ thereby nullifying the word so that no one is ‘special’.

I think, in part, that the popularity of such openly contrived and banal crap, like those Boy Bands above, says that the children of my generation have led such sheltered lives they may not be able to cope with the Real World. Look around, should you find a mid-twenty-something+ living in your house, yes, I’m talking to you. You may have raised an ‘adult’ that is incapable of living on its own, exploring its surroundings in a non-safe environment, not able to take a risk thereby being unable to grow. In other words; you may have an elongated but stunted plant growing on your windowsill. Pruning and removal from the environment to a more suitable environment may be necessary.

Look, I’m 48 years old. I’ve been married 29 years and in this relationship for 31 years wherein my husband and I have raised two adult daughters–29 and 23–who do not live at home. As such, there’s really nothing in “Fifty Shades of Grey” that’s new to me. There are several things I could teach EL James and Christian Grey–though I really wouldn’t want to, tacky billionaire playboys aren’t my thing. There’s only billionaire playboy for me, no it’s not Batman…


If you’re not Tony Stark or


Then, please, pardon me while I say; Yes, I’ve “Been There and Done That” more times than you can shake a stick at. Why do you think my own sex scenes are so ‘inspired’? I write from

If you reading this, or any writer out there, can’t say the same I suggest you stop reading/writing about lackluster people/characters who have the stereotypical adventures/overblown nearly hollow lives, and go have one or two of your own. Those in committed relationships need not seek others to have ‘fun’ with, I adore being the Submissive to my hubby’s Sensual Dominate. Of course, that doesn’t include ‘safe words’ or whips or chains, just a strand of silk around the wrists, a few toys, and his masculines commands. That’s all I need. But yes, a blindfold, a rose, a feather, whipped cream, hot wax, and ice cream can also be quite nice. Aunty Moon knows🙂

You didn’t need me to tell you this stuff or to tell you that. I know you didn’t. You didn’t need anyone to make that ok, to justify that, for you. Of course you didn’t. You’re an adult, right? You make your own decisions. You decide what is right and good for you, not some author or movie, right?

Maybe if you know what this means


You do

If you’re more familiar with sparkly vampires maybe you just don’t get it. Maybe you never will.

About lbdarling

Beware...the truth is spoken here. If you can't handle that...buh-bye.

Posted on 05/02/2015, in Uncategorized and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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