I Went to…WalMart
I know. I know. I feel horrible about it. I had a long hot bath over it, does that help?
No, it didn’t help me either, I had nightmares last night. (I know that’s funny but I’m so not joking.)
Let’s backtrack a little and allow me to tell you why I braved The Evil Empire.
My cats are PIGS! Seriously, if you didn’t know I had 4 cats, when you looked at my kitchen floor, you would think I had 4 PIGS. I was tired of the mess and came up with the brilliant idea of getting a Splat-Mat. Parents help me out here….these things do exist, right? Once Upon a Time, I actually did put a large durable piece of plastic akin to a Twister board under the high-chairs of my young daughters…yes? Please say yes!😛
I thought this would be a good solution to my Cat/Pig problem. I wanted to go to Target or Toys/Babies R Us.
Hubby has actually been listening to me as of late and he reminded me that I can’t see worth a damn anymore. Yeah, you know its really bad when you see better WITHOUT your glasses! LOL
The idea was to find our local eye doctor under our Vision Insurance Plan (cough choke) and see if I couldn’t get in today. I was hoping for Cohen’s or Lens Crafters or, oh pretty please, Pearl Vision (my last eye appointment a decade ago…shut up, I hear you!) We’d get the eye appointment, he needs one too, and then go looking for the Splat-Mat (or that other way around, whatever). We looked online because hubby was told we had eye and dental coverage under United Healthcare.
I thought that was BS but was willing to look at the website. Ever since we’ve been able to afford insurance we’ve had cards for health, dental, and eye. All separate. But…with “Obamacare” and all, what the hell? Maybe we’d make out.
Yeah. No. That didn’t happen. UHC told us we had NO dental or vision coverage.
I’ve been reading by figuring out the shapes of letters for two years now. You know as opposed to just…reading what’s in front of me. I rely on the outline and the movement of the letters. This is getting annoying to say the least. Hubby said: “WalMart has eye doctors.”
I hung my head in defeat.
“Ok,” I mumbled. “We’ll got to (gag, cough, help me please!) WalMart.”
So we did. We drove out there. We got there. The place is unnecessarily MASSIVE. We parked. We walked through the lot. My knees got weak, my stomach turned, I forced myself through the doors and hubby said: “Oh look carts, want one?”
(Fuck you buddy!)
“Ahhh….no, that’s how they get you.”
Wanting to pass out, I ventured into Enemy Territory. Mickey D’s greets us. I was starving. We walked past. The grocery section with bakery greets us, I’m starving, I smell TURKEY! We walk past. We walk down the aisle until I see something I can’t ignore; A 3 gallon jug of peanut oil.
Who needs 3 gallons of peanut oil?
Oh…wait….there’s a turkey on the front of the box. This must be what they fry turkeys in for Thanksgiving as they hope not to set their homes ablaze. I caught myself thinking; You know, that actually looks good.
(Mental Gibbs slap!)
Anyway, it was $28.99 if you’re looking for it.
I haven’t been in the Waterford WalMart but a handful of times but, believe it or not, this old stoner still had a near photographic memory and even with the expansion of the store I had an idea of where we were supposed to be going. My only task was to keep hubby on-point.
“Oh, look! Coffee,” he said as was walked, “go check out the price.”
Ok, go check out the price. Folger’s Columbia $7.94. Wow!
Suddenly, I felt like a fish looking at worm suspecting the juicy treat it on a hook.
I turned it around in my hands and looked at the canisters on the shelves. I snorted and put it back.
“No good?” Asked hubby.
“Not the same size,” said I. “It’s about $1.50 cheaper but it’s smaller than usual. You know, like how they trick you into thinking you’re getting a half-gallon of ice cream but…you’re not.”
I left the coffee.
We walked on and eventually I gave in. I did. I picked up Febreze Air Freshener…winter will be here eventually and I do have 4 cats + 1 husband…LOL. I also grabbed a thing of Lysol toilet bowl cleaner as the stuff I bought previously sucks! (Winter is coming!) Then I grabbed a 4 pack of ‘triple roll’ toilet paper. That shit’s heavy! No joke. It was heavy. LOL
Hubby said; “Do you want a cart?”
I said; “No thank you.”
We crossed over to the Baby Section where I saw tons of adorable things! I did! Not one of them was a Spalt-Mat. I walked around and around until I thought I was cray-cray and had imagined the whole thing. Eventually we settled on a Baby Bath Mat, it’s plastic, I can wash it in the sink and when we got it home it was nearly big enough although we probably should have purchased two.
We walked on and on. He was looking for something and I told him it was out of season but he didn’t listen and I led him to where I knew it was supposed to be but was not because….it is out of season! LOL This led us deep into Enemy Territory…past the TVs…very nice. Very tempting. I resisted the urge to buy one on the spot. It was difficult at those prices but not too difficult because I’m a Cheap Yankee Bitch. I don’t understand the purpose of the Curved TV but, like any good American Consumer, I want it. However, the 65 inch flat screen was particularly nice. But…no.
Eventually we made from one end of the damn place to the other, up the side, and to the registers. Hubby took out small items and said: “Oh, look, there’s the eye glass place. Go see how much it is for an exam.”
(I hate you, my darling)
Ok, fine. I walked into the eye glass place and I waited and I waited and I waited for the two women manning the desk both of whom were on the phone. One was leaving the longest message I’d ever heard in my life. I can’t even begin to tell you how many times she repeated her name and phone number. As I stood there I looked around at the frames and at the darkened room past the desk. You know, the one with the chair and the eye chart and all of the happy Eye-Doctory-Stuff? Finally, they got off the phone as an older gentleman approached and they both turned to him. I cleared my throat. One of the ladies turned to me.
“Can I help you?”
“How much is an eye exam?” I asked kindly.
“We’re not doing those today,” she snipped.
Just as I opened my mouth to say something unkind I pulled back feeling a bit like Julia Roberts in ‘Pretty Woman’ (I didn’t ask how much it was, I asked if it would fit.) I thought, well, let me rephrase. “Well, if I were to make an appointment, how much would it be?”
“Oh,” she grumbled, “Ninety-five dollars.”
That would have been the point where she should have said something like; would you care to make an appointment? She did not.
I just smiled and said, “Thank you.” Then I walked away not wanting to trust my aging old eyes to those two lovely ladies and whatever doctor they may work for.
“How’d you make out?” Hubby asked as we walked out.
“I’ll look elsewhere,” I replied as we neared the Exit and my heart began to leap knowing it made through The Evil Empire and lived to tell the tale with just a few minor extraneous purchases.
We went to breakfast. We had a lovely Sunday. Today we discovered we DO have dental and vision insurance…however that company is too fucking cheap to send out cards anymore. That’s right. Go online and look it up/print it out for yourself. I discovered we’re only paying them well over $1,000/year….obviously they’re far too poor to send out two $0.05 pieces of plastic to us.
Oh well. The good news is my last eye doctor takes the ‘insurance’ so I’ll make an appointment and get some new glasses.
But not at WalMart.
Thank the Gods.